Book Review: Cry Like A Man

I recently read Jason Wilson’s memoir titled, Cry Like A Man. It helps men to break free from their emotional incarceration which often leads to violent outbursts when not addressed and healed. The story was compelling, riveting and life-changing. I consumed all 223 pages in a few days.

Brother Jason Wilson is the director of the Cave of Adullam is a Transformational Training Academy (CATTA), a program Yunion, nonprofit organization founded in 2003 in Metro Detroit. He has received multiple awards and featured on CNN, FOX Sports, TODAY, The Mel Robbins Show, and The Dr. Oz Show.

I grew up like most men hearing the phrases, “man up” and “toughen up” because real men don’t cry, show emotions or any form of weakness. But unfortunately, these types of ideologies have encouraged young boys and men to bottle up their feelings to their own demise.  

The book is transparent and vulnerable. Brother Jason doesn’t sugar coat anything. He describes his failures and the impact they had on his life. We also see hope and redemption; such a good reminder that perfection is not a prerequisite for true manhood.

 The tone of the book is also less prescriptive. There are no list rules or steps one should follow in order to become a better man. I learned more from his modeling in the stories than the typical preachy approaches.

Two moments in the book stood out for me. One was when Jason’s family found out that he was still a virgin. He retells, “Thunderous laughter echoed throughout the house, followed by what had to be the single most humiliating experiences of my life.” 

The shame and embarrassment was unbearable. Overtime Jason became promiscuous and viewed sexual intimacy with woman as casual and unimportant.

The other moment was when Jason and his father reconciled. He recounts, “For decades I thought power was based on how much weight you could lift and how many men you could knock out. Now I realize anyone untrained can lift a dumbbell or break a jaw. But real power is when a man can navigate through the pressures of this world without succumbing to his negative emotions.”

Jason experienced freedom when he forgave and embraced his feelings. Tears are not a sign of weakness, fragility, and feebleness. We are not wimps or sissies either. Promiscuity doesn’t make one manly.  

A real man embraces his emotions and feelings. He takes responsibility for his actions. He loves, cares, and nurtures. He is a committed spouse and present with his children. A real man seeks healing and wholeness from his past. He is one who trusts and depends on Yeshua.

Cry Like A Man will help unleash your manhood. I recommend it without reservation.

Thank you Brother Jason for your example and inspiration.

Order the book and follow Brother Jason on Instagram @mrjasonowilson

Watch his videos on http://mrjasonwilson.com/youtube

5 Ways to Bond with Your Kids

"Let’s go to the pool, dad!"

Our kids love going to the pool, so my wife and I work it into our weekly schedule. We take turns taking them. On this particular occasion, I decided to take a book along with me. I planned to read while my five children swam in the pool. It would be a perfect use of my time!

Before we left, I took inventory:

• Life vests - check

• Goggles- check

• Pool toys - check

• Water bottles - check

• Snacks - Hmmm (I do forget things... I’m a trying dad, not the perfect dad.)

In less than two minutes, the children were in the water after we arrived at the pool. They started splashing, screaming, and playing.

Life is good.

I sat back, relaxed, and opened my book like a kid in a candy store. I couldn’t wait to start reading. Chapter one, let’s go!

Then I heard a soft voice.

“Hi Kelvin, let’s talk. I’m not swimming today because I couldn’t find my swimming suit. Plus, I just don’t want to swim anyways.” It was my step-daughter, Emma.

What? I tried to resist. This couldn’t be possible. Our children, all of them love swimming in the pool. Why didn't Emma want to swim? Why today? I was getting ready to read a really juicy book and learn a ton of new content. Why was I getting interrupted now?

She continued, “So, I’m really excited to be here! So let’s talk!”

And for the next hour, we talked.

It was reminiscent of the twenty-plus hours we spent together driving from Nashville to Denver back in May. Emma insisted on accompanying me in the moving truck. We talked, played games, listened to music and podcasts for the entire two-day road trip. This girl didn’t sleep! Yikes!

I didn’t get in two paragraphs that day. I just listened. Emma and I talked beside the pool as the other four children swam and played.

In the process, I learned a few things about parenting...

1. Go with the flow. Be flexible and spontaneous. Make time for your child or children. Bonding often comes in the most “inconvenient,” unscripted” and “unplanned” moments. They just do.

2. Listen for the magic words. Give your children your attention when they utter the words, “let’s talk” or “do you have a moment.” There are always exceptions to everything. But those words are priceless, especially when spoken by tween, teenagers, and young adults. Those words are an invitation or windows into their hearts and souls. Even more, if you are a stepparent like me, drop what you are doing and embrace the opportunity! It’s never something you should take lightly.

3. Do less talking and more nodding. Listen, listen, listen, and listen some more.

4. Care more about your child than accomplishing an immediate goal. I had a strong desire to read that book and check it off my weekly goal list. A noble task if I may add. I’ve told my children “not right now, we can address that later.” But bonding with my step-daughter was more important than checking off a box.

5. Last, be a practitioner instead of acquiring more information. In other words, learning without practice is futile. The irony of this situation is the book that I really wanted to read. The book title was, “Four Things Women Want from A Man" by pastor A. R. Bernard. My bonus daughter Emma wanted my attention. I almost lost a valuable bonding moment because I wanted to read a book which would tell me the exact same thing—give women your attention!

What are you currently practicing as a parent? How do you handle the “let’s talk” moments with your children when you are busy?

No More Fences

One of my most memorable hobbies as a teenager was growing kitchen gardens. I liked planting stuff: tomatoes, papers, beans, carrots, letters, eggplants, ochre, and the like. I couldn’t wait to implement whatever I learned from my agricultural science class. It’s weird but I enjoyed the challenge of nurturing plants.

The biggest challenge each year was how to protect my crops from stray dogs, goats, sheep, and chickens. They were everywhere! So fences were erected around the parameter to keep the wildlife at bay.

Since then I have learned much more about the importance of fences or “boundaries.” They serve to protect what’s valuable to us and also tell others how we want to be treated. A fence could save us from abuse, provide peace of mind, and give us a sense of security. Fences are good!

Recently during my trip to Uganda, I had a negative experience with a fence. It was bad and I wanted that fence to be completely gone.

Dave and I were attending the Rays of Grace Primary School end of year Thanksgiving celebration. It was a day full of all kinds of festivities with over 800 people in attendance on the (1.5 acres) compound. There were dignitaries from the community and the government. The students sang songs, recited poetry, and performed traditional folk dances. The foods were tasty. The entire event was outstanding.

But there was one imaged that tormented my spirit. Towards the very back of the school, children were gathered behind the chain-link fence. The group consisted of about fifteen to twenty boys and girls. Some were toddler-aged while others were much older. Their innocent faces were pressed against the gray-wired fence.

The wired fences are there for a reason. Rays of Grays is a school with classrooms, a library, computer lab, clinic, dorms, teacher’s quarters, kitchen, and much more. Even more important are the 450 students who attend during the school year. As such, security is paramount. Robert Kiwanuka, our HFF Uganda Director has also included cameras and 24-hour guards.

Fences are important. They do serve a purpose, but I was deeply moved with compassion for these children. The initial thought was to remove the wired fences. But that wouldn’t solve the problem. You see, the problem for many of these children is the fence called “lack of funds.”

What if you and I could help remove the “fences” or “barriers” many of these children were experiencing? What if you and I could change the life of one child by our prayer and our giving? 

Will you consider helping us bring these children inside? Will you help them to be included? Will you consider becoming a Guardian Angel Sponsor? This program helps provide education, food, uniforms, and much more for these children.

Help us make a difference today.

No more fences!

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Originally published in The Dispatch

3 Things that I Learned From Doing My Daughters’ Hair

No other fatherly task intimidates me more than doing my girl’s hair.

I’m a decent cook, teacher, bedtime storyteller, and card gamer. I’m even good at giving my girls pedicures and manicures. But doing my girl’s hair is my kryptonite.

I have two young girls, ages nine and five years old. They are both budding fashionistas who are quite familiar with the latest trends and styles. Sometimes this knowledge creates a little added pressure on this single dad. At the same time, I want to find ways to be a part of the many stages in their development.

In an effort to develop my skills in the area of hair-care, I have elected to learn more hands-on, rather than always utilizing a hairdresser. However, I knew I couldn’t do this on my own.

Thankfully, I’m blessed to have friends who have come to my rescue, when in need of assistance. They’ll remind me, “When in doubt, Kelvin, it all goes in one and BOOM!” Oh, the timeless ponytail trick, it’ll never go out of style.

Through this process of learning, I’ve had my share of mishaps. I’ve messed up when attempting to wash their hair and even while trying to create something stylish. I’ve also gotten flustered during the morning rush hour while getting them ready for school. The struggle with black, African hair is real!

One day, during the earlier stages of my single dad journey, I cried out, “Lord, I have no clue how to fix their hair. Please help!”

Through the trials and the errors, I’ve grown and learned, even more than I had originally expected. Here are three things that I’m reminded of, as I navigate the world of hair-care with my daughters:

1. There’s no perfect parent.

Give up the idea because it doesn’t exist. We are all flawed human beings despite our best efforts. Release and forgive yourself from those unrealistic expectations. Our role as fathers and mothers is to lead by example, not by expertise. I may never create the best up-do, or the tightest ponytail. After all, some of us may never be the best chef, gamer, tech gurus, social media experts, coach, troop leader, to name a few. Instead, learn what you can, give it your best, and don’t stress over your imperfections and shortcomings.

2. Our children are more gracious than we think.

I’m not good at this hair thing. I know it, and my girls are just as aware of this fact. But they absolutely love it when I do their hair, and you can see the pride and joy on their faces. Remember that your children will feel the same way because you cared and gave it your best.

3. Use the moment to speak into your child’s life.

The time we spend together is what truly matters and not always the task. Doing their hair is more than just hair-care, it’s also about affirming them, and helping to create a healthy bond in our father-daughter relationship. We share. We reflect. We laugh. We connect. We grow.

And then I look at each of my daughters and say, “You are so beautiful, smart, loving, strong... I like you, baby girl.”

In the end, their hair may not be the picture of parental perfection, however, they’ve been filled with affirming words that will continue to build their self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. They will grow knowing that their lives have value and purpose.

It’s OK if you’re not good at a certain traditional parenting task. Breathe. Give yourself grace. The tasks are always secondary to how we make our children feel in the moment. So show up and gift your child your presence. Give them your love, time, and encouragement. Those are the simple things that will end up having an even greater impact on their lives.

Be a Father Who Loves His Daughters Well

I’m still processing the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter and the other seven victims. So sad.

Kobe was more than a legendary basketball player in my opinion. He was also a husband and a father of four girls.

I’m a father too, and of not one, but of two beautiful princesses that I totally adore.

I too believe in the importance of empowering and championing girls/women in a world where they are still marginalized. Our girls/women must be celebrated!

Fellas, tell your girls that you love them daily. Show your girls that you love them daily. Believe and affirm your girls daily. Remind your girls that they can become anything they want to become.

Pastor, do you cook?

I was on my way out of the church today when a deacon approached me and asked, “Pastor, do you cook?”

“I sure do, I have four kiddos!” I responded. “I’m no chef but I better know how to do something in the kitchen. We need to eat!”

He was curious and meant well. But the whole conversation was random and funny. We laughed and laughed and laughed some more. It’s uncommon for another dude to ask about my culinary skills in public.

Since then, I have a few thoughts to share on the topic here:

• It’s comforting to know that cooking is not a requirement for fatherhood. It’s ok if you are not an iron chef who can throw down in the kitchen. It’s ok dudes, you still get to keep your man card.

• I’m grateful to my mom and the other mother figures for teaching me the basics. It’s helped me stay alive (literally) over the years and now as a single dad caring for my children.

• I’m also grateful for all of the online recipe resources, especially YouTube. They are golden! I enjoy eating or ordering out when life gets crazy or if I feel lazy.

• I prefer homemade meals because it’s sometimes cheaper, more flavorful and much healthier. You know what’s in your food when you cooked it yourself. Period.

• I also like cooking meals at home because it’s a great opportunity to bond with my children when I get all four of them involved. This can be messy, time-consuming and nerve-wracking. But it’s super fun and definitely memorable.

• Last, cooking my own meals help break the stereotypes and models to my boys that guys belong in the kitchen too. I want them (in addition to my girls) to grow up equipped to care for themselves. It’s an empowering skill.

I’m no exception, guys can cook.

I know many brothers who can handle themselves in the kitchen. Shout out to my boy Emon and @chefcooldre! If you are a dude and can do something in the kitchen, leave a comment below. Ladies, if you have a man who can — leave a comment, too!